i'm lost and i look like a hooker
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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