Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
