I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
