bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
