The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Randomize
