Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
