I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
