I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
