My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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