There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
