My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Two words: nipple clamps
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