I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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