ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
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You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
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We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Your cock deserves a montage
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.