Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex