I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
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so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
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The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
My breasts were aching with rage.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.