Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Still dying that you shit outside
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
