i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
