then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
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The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
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how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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