Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
