Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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