Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorryâ€. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
