apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I supernannyed him into submission
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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