My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
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I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
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I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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