The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
please come you make the beer taste better
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
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We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
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Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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