24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
