did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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