I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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