I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
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