captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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