I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
