Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
