i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
