I met the friendliest cop last night
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Dear god my vagina.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
