I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
