Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
