I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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