Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
