If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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