i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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