so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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