at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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