Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
