I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
