she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
3pm strippers are depressing
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
