he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
