I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
