I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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