someone threw a dead crab at me
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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