You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
