i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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