I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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