i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
last night I used snow as a chaser
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
