i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
