pedialite and red bull = repair kit
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
