mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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