we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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