I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
